


Good Criminals Don't Get Caught

by MeduCascade



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: But River doesn't recognise her, But don't worry they're just like standard characters in any episode, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, No Smut, Original Character(s), i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-15 22:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16941873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeduCascade/pseuds/MeduCascade
Summary: The Doctor lands on a prison ship hijacked by inmates attempting to escape and comes face to face with the one and only River Song. At which point the situation gets rather sticky when the escape attempt fails and the TARDIS is taken by the space security.





	1. Chapter 1

The TARDIS had taken her to an unpiloted ship. That was falling. Through space. The moment she stepped onto the metal floor of the spaceship she almost stumbled as the vessel surged down.

  
“The destination was Venezuela the planet!” She yelled at the TARDIS in exasperation. “What don’t you understand about that?” She squinted around at her surroundings as the ship leveled, suddenly calm. She could walk without falling over. Always a plus.

  
“I’m guessing there is a pilot.” She spoke aloud as she wandered through the hall. The TARDIS had landed itself in what looked like a storage bay, as usual. At least it always finds somewhere inconspicuous. “A very inexperienced one.” She added.

  
She reached the door which detected her presence and opened automatically. As she stepped through she saw doors and doors and doors. A few were open. One door was badly damaged, as if someone had forced it open. Peaking inside a room she could see it was a one by one by seven metre space. Each room was identical and empty. What were these? Cupboards? What kind of cargo does this ship carry?

  
As she reached the end of the hall there was another door. Next to it was a scanner in the shape of a five fingered hand. _Not a Dalek ship at least_ , she thought, _though I knew that already. Nor Sontaran._

  
When she pressed her hand to the scanner and the door opened, she was welcomed to the scene of five humans, each arguing with each other.  
“Humans are always the same.” She whispered, a smile playing on her lips.

  
“I’m telling you, I took three years in flight school!” A pale, blonde woman yelled towards the pilot, who was facing away from the Doctor.

  
“Then why is your flying crap?” A tall man with dark skin retorted.

  
“What, did you miss the fourth year? Flying modules are typically four years. Maybe five.” An amused, shorter woman responded.

  
“Eight years, where I’m from.” The Doctor interrupted. Everyone except the pilot turned to face her. She held back a smile as they stared at her; she knew what was coming next.

  
“How – how did you get on this ship?” A skinny, gangly boy stammered. He’d nearly jumped out of his skin. “What –”

  
“Calm down, Fry.” The other man took charge. “I bet you were hiding in one of the cells all this time, weren’t you?”

  
“Cells?” The Doctor asked. As in prison cells? Cells that are exactly one by one by seven metres? The TARDIS had taken her to a prison ship? With prisoners? Who weren’t in their cells?

  
But before the Doctor could probe for answers the pilot flicked a switch and said, “There we go. Fully stabilised, thank you Vera.” Then she spun in her chair and the Doctor almost gasped because there, alive, in front of her, was River Song. “Now who the hell are you?”

*

Before the Doctor could respond she registered two things: River Song was alive, and, River Song didn’t recognise the Doctor. She was almost certain that she had spent all her time she had with River with her previous incarnations. That meant this River in front of her was post-library River. But that River only existed in data – she didn’t have a corporeal form, and that was centuries ago from the Doctor’s timeline. And if River didn’t recognise her, that meant she’d never met the Doctor’s thirteenth incarnation (well, fourteenth).

What did this mean? Had River survived? How?

She must’ve been staring like an idiot because Fry muttered something and River said, “Oh, I have that effect on people.” She stood up in the centre of the room and looked around at her peers. “Is it too early for dinner?”

The Doctor circled her slowly. She looked exactly the same. She tapped her and sure enough, she wasn’t a hologram. “How are you alive?”

River looked pleasantly surprised. “Oh, are you a fan of my work? Why would you think I was ever dead?”

“Yes. A fan.” She answered, frowning. She needed to understand what was going on because she could explain herself to River. “Something like that. You disappeared after your last contract.”

“You’ve been paying attention to my work.” She said in approval. “Why’d you hide in your cell this whole time? Why not have a little fun?”

“Oh, I was just …” The Doctor answered warily. “I’m just a little … shy.” She was eager to change the subject. “Where exactly is this ship heading?”

“Away from _them_.” Vera replied. “I think we’ve lost them by now.”

“I couldn’t help but notice it was a bit of a bumpy ride.” The Doctor added. “So this is a prison ship?”

“Obviously.” The taller man replied. “What, are you in for being criminally stupid?”

“Let’s just pretend. Where was the intended destination of this ship? Why were prisoners being transported? And finally, if this is a prison ship, where are the guards?” She took a few steps towards the window where the pilot’s supposed to sit.

“Did you seriously sleep through this all?”

“What do you think happened to the guards?” River stared at her intensely.

Of course. This was River, after all. Still, the Doctor found herself annoyed, offended even. “Are you happy then? It’s good to keep a record, after all, even if it’s a criminal one. Was it fun to watch them float around in space? How long did it take them to die?”

“Don’t tell me you’re on this ship for anything other than murder.” Vera intervened.

But River looked surprised and barely even noticed Vera talking. “I didn’t kill them. My husband would disapprove. I gave them an option. They took it, naturally.”

“Yeah and you screwed us all over as a result by letting them in the escape pods!” Fry exclaimed. “Wait. You think we’re all here for murder? I didn’t murder anyone. Did you, Ash, Rex?” He looked between the smaller woman and the other man.

Ash shook her head. “I’ve been given eight life sentences. Not for murder – that covers only one life sentence. I used to be a post woman, see. And every day I’d take just one of the letters I was supposed to deliver and keep it for myself. I ended up with hundreds of letters. And I’d read them. And then I’d write my own version of that letter and resend it to the address.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Rex said.

“I’m in for tax evasion.” Fry piped up. “So no one killed a man?”

“I killed a man.” Vera said. She looked solemn. “My dad. He knocked my mum unconscious, so I shot him.”

“What about you?” The Doctor asked River, her eyebrows raised. She hoped River hadn’t killed a man, again. The last man she’d killed was herself, back when she was a he. But even then, she hadn’t technically killed her.

“Oh, you know. It was ages ago. Doesn’t matter now. I might have killed a man. Perhaps I didn’t. It may not have been human.”

The Doctor amused herself over the idea that River may still kill her, again. After all she wasn’t a human, and she wasn’t a man anymore, either. But before any more could be said, a voice screeched through the speakers.

“Surrender! You’re surrounded! Exit your ship now or be shot on sight.” A rough voice yelled through the radio. Looking outside she could see ships. Much larger than that of an escape pod.

River swore. “They called backup. I told them not to call backup.”

“How many ships?” Rex asked, staring at the scanner. “Eight. Why so many ships?”

The Doctor thought about her TARDIS. She could take them somewhere else. They were just human, not criminals, after all. The ship would be destroyed if they didn’t surrender, but they’d be long gone by then. There’d be no evidence they survived.

“This is all your fault.” Vera glared at River. “Should’ve killed them.”

“I guess we’ve got no choice but to surrender.” Fry sighed, deflated.

“No.” The Doctor said. “There’s another way. Follow me.” She pressed her fingers to the hand scanner and the door opened. “Down the hall.”

“Who said you’re in charge?”

“Me, because I’m your way out.”

“She’s crazy.”

They followed despite their protests, so she led down the hall, past the cells, down the other hall, and opened the storage room where the TARDIS had parked.

It wasn’t there.

“No.” The Doctor said. “No! Why?”

“There’s nothing there, mate.” Rex added unnecessarily.

“I know!” She stared around the room, as if it would magically appear – like it usually does, without the magic, of course. “They’ve got teleports. This is higher tech than I thought.”

“You said you could get us out?” Someone asked, as if they’d been paying no attention.

“The only way out is through the storm.” The new incarnation said.

And just like that, that was how she’d ended up on the large ship, surrounded by security, her hands raised in surrender alongside the others.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first fic, so please by all means give me advice/recommendations/strengths/weaknesses. Hope you like it. :)

“None of you will be escorted to your cells until we receive answers.” A man paced back and forth. He was clearly the boss of this group, but clearly, he also had his own bosses. He looked a little stressed, actually.

“We _told_ you.” Ash said. “We escaped because we’re criminals. It’s what we do. We weren’t planning a terrorist attack. I mean, Fry is in for tax evasion. He's practically a wet sponge.”

“Hey!” Fry protested. “I’m not a sponge. I saved hundreds of pounds with my criminality, thanks very much.”

Ash elbowed him. “You’re not making us look good.” She whispered.

“Silence!” The general yelled.

“How are we supposed to give answers when you want us to be silent?”

“I’ve had enough of that one.” He nodded towards Ash. “Take her away to the cells. Maybe rough her up a little.” And just like that, a man and a woman stepped forward and grabbed Ash by her elbows.

“Wait – I’ll behave. Promise!” When she realised there was no getting out of this, she just sighed and swore quietly, allowing them to lead her away.

“Great, that’s the smart one out of the picture. Well done, Fry.” Rex whispered.

Before Fry could protest further, the Doctor intervened. “You want answers, but for what, exactly?”

The general stormed towards her, but she didn’t cringe away. She’d faced Davros, the Cyber King, she’d seen her friends die and lived longer than any Time Lord should. She wasn’t afraid of a silly man with guns at his side. “I want answers,” he started, struggling to remain calm, “because I know exactly how that ship left us, and it sure as hell didn’t have illegal technology on it.”

Illegal technology? Of course – the TARDIS was missing. And sure enough, the TARDIS was rolled in by a couple of men. It hummed quietly.

“No …” River breathed. “It can’t be.”

“Illegal technology?” Vera scoffed. “But that’s just a police box.”

“It’s a weapon of war!” The man yelled. “No playing stupid with me.”

“It really isn’t a weapon of war.” The Doctor said.

River took a step forward, but barely hesitated when the guards raised their guns at her. “This is all a big misunderstanding. If I could just go inside … If I can find him in there, he’ll explain this all.”

“He? What are you suggesting, criminal?”

River lifted her head and met his eye. “Oh, nothing.” She answered, and the Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. This man was too stupid and power hungry for the TARDIS’s secrets.

The man must’ve had enough because he huffed and ordered for the prisoners to be dropped in a cell together, and that’s how the six of them ended up behind ‘temporary’ bars (including Ash), the guards patrolling every now and then.

*

River was pacing. Clearly she'd decided to take charge of the situation - the Doctor didn't blame her; she was most likely the most well suited to escaping a prison, however disconcerting it was for the Doctor to sit back and follow orders from her wife.

 _Do I tell her_ , she thought.  _Will it make this situation better or worse?_

River paused and clapped her hands together. "Okay, everyone. Don't worry. I've escaped from the highest security prison in the galaxy, so this is going to be a piece of cake."

The others stared at River with trust. They believed she'd get them out of there.

_Can I be certain that this is a post-library River, or will telling her I'm the Doctor affect past events?_

"There are two things making this more complicated, however."

_I'm almost certain. But do I risk a paradox?_

"Number one: There are quite a few of you I need to get out of here quietly, and not all of you are smart." She pointed a look at Vera.

"Hey! I'm not stupid. I mean. None of us are exactly bright, are we? We all got caught." Vera protested.

"She's got a point." Ash added. She didn't look particularly fazed that she was in the cell to begin with. It all seemed to be a long joke to her.

River raised an eyebrow in a I-know-something-you-don't way. "Sometimes getting caught is the fun part."

The Doctor also raised an eyebrow in much the same way River did.

"Number two:" River continued. "That 'illegal' ship they found - that they're accusing us of holding, that certainly belongs to none of us - belongs to my husband."

The Doctor piped up. "Your husband has a rather impressive ship."

River smiled in a knowing way. "The most impressive." After a pause, she added. "I never did get your name, by the way."

"John-" The Doctor immediately spurted out, before stopping herself. "I mean Jo. Short for Joanna. My friends call me Joan, if they're feeling particularly spicy."

Rex cringed, but River merely nodded, wearing a thoughtful expression. "A very human name."

"Oh, yes. Human to the core. One hundred percent human DNA. That's me." The Doctor responded. "I've come a long way from home, if you haven't noticed. Got arrested after illegally crossing the inter-space boundaries. But enough about me. You were talking about your husband, Doctor Song? I'm guessing you were going to say you're not leaving without him."

"Aren't you a quick one." She said in approval. "If I can't get us out of here, my husband can."

The Doctor frowned. That's just a bit of pressure. She could probably open the cell with her sonic, but then she'd be giving herself away. Which reminded her, didn't she give River a sonic on Darillium?  _Does River still have that sonic from after the Library?_

"So about these bars." The Doctor started tactfully. There's an easy way of getting past them, right? Surely Doctor River Song would know of such methods? Or perhaps have an item in particular that could get us past them?"

River frowned. "I did have my sonic, a gift from my husband, but I lost it on New Earth. Oh, he's going to be so mad when he finds out."

She lost her sonic? How could she lose a sonic? Did she know just how hard those things are to come across?

A panicked look passed her expression. "Actually, there's a third problem as well."

"Excellent." Ash said. "I do love a challenge."

"See, my husband thinks I'm dead. Or at least, the twelfth incarnation of my husband thinks I'm dead. If it's the eleventh incarnation, I might be able to bluff that I'm much younger than I am."

"So, am I as stupid as everyone says, or did any of you understand a word she just said?" Vera interjected.

"There's no use dwelling." She waved the thought away, now talking more to herself than to any of the others. "I do have another way of passing these cells." She pulled lipstick out of her pocket and applied it to her lips. "There's nothing a guard likes more than a seductive inmate."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments! I hope you enjoy and have a nice day :)

"Excuse me!" River called, peaking past the bars. The guard was quite a distance away, so it took a bit of calling to finally get his attention. "Young, attractive, confident." She muttered, "Should be easy enough."

The Doctor didn't exactly like the idea of her wife kissing a random guard, nor did she like the idea of her wife causing said guard to fall unconscious from being drugged by her lipstick. But it was either that, or reveal her sonic and thus, reveal that she was the Doctor.

She needed to find out if this was post-library River.

"River - Doctor Song." That got River's attention. "As a fan, I've been wondering what happened to you. You went missing from your expedition, remember. It was assumed you had died."

"This isn't exactly the time, Jo. I've got a guard to make out with."

She felt a bit rushed. "It's important to me. See, I'm a big fan and I was devastated when I heard the rumors."

"Well, I'm alive, see." She looked exasperated. "I'll explain later."

The guard was approaching.

"Well," She grasped around at straws. "Your husband wouldn't want you kissing another person, would he?"

At that River smiled. "It's a good thing he isn't here, isn't it?" The Doctor deflated slightly. "Besides, he himself does questionable things with questionable people." At that she turned to the guard, who now stood at the bars.

It was too late to sonic the cell door anyway, now that the guard was here.

"Hello." River said to him, maintaining constant eye contact. "What's your name?"

"What do you want?" The guard asked, irritated. "Our boss has given us enough hell about this. I don't need to be caught catering to prisoners."

"Then why did you come?" She challenged.

He looked her up and down. "Why would an inmate have a sudden interest in me, the guard closest to the cell? It sure isn't because you're attracted to me." He eyed the rest of the cell mates, but his gaze lingered on the Doctor, and he directly addressed her. "The crew are having trouble finding your records. Do you know your number?"

The Doctor had lied enough today, but she supposed it was just one of those days. "No, I don't. Even if I did, why would I tell? Why are we waiting around in a cell? Are we going to be interrogated, one by one, so you can find out where that blue box came from?" The guard looked uncertain.

"I'm beginning to like you." River added, nudging her. It made her heart warm a little.

The Doctor continued to address the guard. "I know who your boss is, but who's the next in command?"

He frowned. "There's my friend, Pedro, who manages a lot of the paperwork. But other than that it's just us, really, the guards."

"And you've been given the distinct task of keeping an eye on us?"

"Not just me, but yeah." He sighed. "I see where this is going. You want me to let you out."

"Voluntarily or involuntarily." Ash interjected.

"You gave away our plan, you idiots!" Fry cried. "Now we're going to be stuck here in this cell, for who knows how long. And they're going to drag us out, one by one, probably hit us a bit, and try to get answers."

"You know what, I've had enough of this." The guard pulled out his keys. "To be completely honest, I hate my boss. I hate my job. If you escape again, he's going to get the sack from the higher ups. Pedro will take over, he'll make me his right hand man. I'll get paid better. I'll get treated better. I'll put the blame on one of the other guards if someone puts two and two together. Screw this place."

And he unlocked the door. As everyone filed out, he whispered, "Just don't get caught again."

River and the Doctor exchanged a look. "That was definitely too easy." The Doctor said. "If this is a trap, it's a strange one."

"Why worry? We're one step closer to finding the Doctor - the man I'm married to."

The Doctor didn't respond. River had already found her.

*

"If we can make it to the TARDIS - that is, the blue box, then we're practically already home." River whispered as they crept down the halls. "If he's not there, I'm going to have to go back out and find him. The rest of you can stay there. Just don't touch anything."

"So, River." The Doctor casually started. "About that expedition..."

"You're very much interested in this, aren't you, Jo? I clearly didn't die on it."

"Evidently." How she didn't die, when the Doctor literally saw her die, was another mystery, but one thing at a time. "I just want to know, what year was this expedition, and where was it to? Did you meet anyone there? Did you come across something you didn't expect?"

"I thought you were my fan? Do you not know these things?"

"Sorry, I have a bad memory, so there's lots of gaps. I just want to know which your most recent one was. Was it, to a library, for example?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

"That's because I like to know as much as I can about a matter." The Doctor explained.

River paused for a moment, thoughtful. Then, she finally decided to say, "You know, you remind me of my second wife." Another pause. "Well, if you must know-"

"Look, there it is!" Vera exclaimed, almost immediately stopped by Rex putting a hand over her mouth.

"Be quiet." He hissed. "You want to get caught again? We can't get caught three times. That would just make us bad criminals. At this point I'm tempted to throw Vera at the guards, use her as bait, you know."

Vera protested weakly through his hand.

"Absolutely not." The Doctor whirled, staring at him. "No one is getting left behind."

He didn't question her. No one did. They just nodded quietly at the Doctor suddenly taking charge. After a beat, she stared towards the TARDIS. It hummed at her, as if registering her presence. There was one guard, eyeing it suspiciously.

"How do we get past him?" Fry asked.

"I can knock him out." River answered. She glanced at the Doctor, as if trying to impress her. "Knocking guards out if my specialty."

And that was how approximately three minutes later, a man lay on the floor, completely unharmed (to the Doctor's relief) and completely unconscious, by the doors to the TARDIS.

Vera stared at it whilst Fry walked around it. Rex tried to open the door, to no avail. They all looked doubtful.

"You want us to go in here?" Vera asked. "How are we all going to fit in here?"

"I'm fine with a tight squeeze. It's better than being behind a cell." Ash added.

"Never mind that. That door's locked."

River smiled knowingly. "Oh, not to worry. She'll open for me." She patted the old blue wood of the door. "She looks a bit different, this time. I wonder if this belongs to a much, much younger incarnation of him. I doubt it, though." At that she tried the door, and it swung open with ease. She beckoned everyone inside.

As they filed inside, the Doctor heard their gasps of amazement and shock. "Oh wow." and "What?" and "How is this possible?"

The Doctor entered last to find River staring at her, her eyebrows raised in expectation. She felt her hearts race slightly, and then she realised: to River, she was just another human. She was 'Jo'. She was supposed to be surprised. Or shocked.

"Oh, oh!" She feigned. "It's - bigger on the inside."

"Yes." River said, grinning.

"This is your partner's ship? He really must be something, if he owns something like this."

"Yes."

"And this is going to help us escape?" She asked, perhaps making herself a little less believable.

"Absolutely. Did I mention it travels through time?"


End file.
